Sunday, October 26, 2014


I'm having issues with Halloween costumes.  Not just the "sexy" costumes that they make for females of all ages.  Not just the fact that little girls dressed as princesses lead directly to the purchasing of the "sexy" costumes when they get older.  These things are bad and lead to rants filled with comedic hyperbole written by guys like me.

Before we go any further, I must make it clear that I do not take umbrage with any male who wishes to dress in female clothing, nor do I have any issues with women who want to dress in clothes that are traditionally male.  My issue is with men dressing up as "fat chicks" and claiming it's a Halloween costume.

This is not about political correctness or good taste.  I also don't think people should put a plastic bag over their heads and go as a condom.  Nobody should ever go as an AIDS patient for Halloween.  There are just some things that are in such bad taste...I digress

I said this was not about political correctness.

The custom of wearing costumes on Halloween stems from an ancient Celtic tradition.  Apparently in the time of All Hallows Eve, All Souls Day, and All Saints Day, the veil between this life and the afterlife is thin.

Legend has it that the spirits and demons rise up to bring new victims to the other side.  The purpose of the costumes was to disguise yourself.  Masks and face paint were meant to help us blend in with the hordes of demons that were looking for new victims.

Nobody dresses as monsters anymore, and dressing as monsters is a survival skill.  In these modern times, corporations, media, and morons have told us that we need to wear costumes that are sexy, flash, funny, or cool.  Don't buy the hype.

The traditions of Halloween run deep in our culture.  In the realm of Horror Movies we can learn everything we need to know.  The reason not to wear a "sexy" costume is that the "sexy" people are always the first ones slaughtered by the horrible demonic killer.  The next people to die are the morons (guys dressed in the fat chick costume, especially if they used balloons for breasts).

No girl should ever dress as a princess for Halloween.  Princesses have a tendency to wait to be rescued from terrible trouble.  I am referring mostly to fairy tale princesses who fall prey to poison apples, sleeping curses, maniacal step mothers, evil sisters, goblin kings, bloodthirsty huntsman, and witches who want to bake them into pie.  Sure princesses have the glamor, but they also have the tribulations that, historically, they need to be rescued from some dink in shining armor.  Sadly, in modern context, the guy who should be wearing the armor is dressed as a "fat chick" or has a plastic bag over his head, pretending to be a condom.  Chivalry ain't dead, it just ain't smart anymore.

The answer is simple.  Monsters! Halloween used to be about monsters, witches, crazed magicians, zombies, ghosts, and the undead.  We now try to shield our children from such things.  I am not advising that they be immersed in this culture of horror,  I am advising that they be exposed to it.  Sometimes knowing how to be a monster in a world filled with monsters can be the key to survival, especially on Halloween, when the veil between worlds is thin, and the undead are looking for fresh souls.

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