The 13th epistle of St. Von Daniken from the holy book of apocrypha, heresy, and pseudo-science under the influence of blind faith and mushrooms
On this exact date at 4:33 pm on the approximate anniversary of the birth of our lord divided by 16.6492 and placed in a small velvet bag and buried under the bleachers at Covenant Falls High School, the great and powerful dorsal fin of the alien creator will be revealed and written upon its leathery skin in the blood of the sacred penguin armada of Davenport, IA will be the long awaited prophecy handed down from the Grand High Alsatian Chariot Lord to the 13 toed son of the left handed carpenter called Ted.
Ted, wearing footie pajamas and eating aerosol cheese, will raise his arms and shout in a high falsetto the ancient words translated from Sanskrit into Greek into French into Australian into Esperanto into Pig Latin back into French into Canadian and tattooed onto the back of a chain smoking trailer park manager in a faux Asian script that he believes is the equivalent of “Lynyrd Skynyrd forever” but is actually the instructions for exorcising the loud mouth demon possessing half witted millionaires attempting to rule the world through the ancient American traditions of racism, exploitation, and inflammatory circumlocution.
The speaking of these ancient words through the chosen vessel, Ted, will signal the coming of the end times and the preparations for the arrival of the biblical dragons from outer space will be made through the holy channels of population polarization, the burning of religious icons of the lawns of those mistakenly labeled “Other” and their subsequent return to their assumed country of origin.
The prophecy spoken by the Ted will result in the gold of those who have little being given to those who possess the most in order to finance the suspension of inalienable rights and sanctioned murder by those who were once chosen to serve and protect.
With arms raised for 17 days and nights, Ted, will signal the end times. And the Liberals will march toward the Canadian border as the Biblical Dragons from Outer Space devour the planned parenthood clinics and blame it on the unemployed who were gunned down by the Spiritual Automatic Weapons and used as an alternate food source to feed the aristocracy who feel they will be saved because of their faith in their own misplaced superiority.
On the 18th day, the prophet called 13 toed Ted will lower his arms, chuckle for an hour at the utter absurdity of it all. He will finish his aerosol cheese, lower the flap on his footie pajamas and tell the dragons where to place the kiss of betrayal.